Do you feel like you are destined to always pick the wrong partner, the wrong job, the wrong queue? You don’t understand why some people seem to be lucky in love, lucky in life and yes - they always seem to pick the right queue…
A Buddhist Nun called Pema Chodron once said: “Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.”
So when the same things keep happening; for example: maybe you keep attracting the wrong sort of partners into your life, and your relationships are often deeply unsatisfying; perhaps ask yourself: “What are the lessons about myself and my past relationships that I still have not learned?”
To answer a question like this, it requires us to take a long hard look at our beliefs and values. The beliefs and values we have for ourselves; how we fundamentally see the world; and what expectations we have of how others can treat us or those close to us.
Many people have a story, but not everyone lets their story define them. For example, consider someone who was in a car accident when they were very young which left them paralysed and now they need a wheelchair to get around. Some people in this situation are grateful to be alive and have risen to the challenge to learn new skills. They don’t let their disability stop them from embracing life, from playing sport, from studying, from a career, from marrying, or from having a family if that is what they want to do.
While for others in that very same situation, they become the victim. They moan and complain, they tell anyone who will listen that life is not fair and they have been dealt a bad hand. They expect deference and favours from anyone they encounter, and offer little or no courtesy in return.
I believe we all have a hand in making our own luck; some achieve it through hard work and lots of practice, and others seem to be in the right place at the right time… But how did they get to be there in the first place?
My own outlook on life and the people I come across; is that for the most part I expect they will be kind, trustworthy and honest. I believe that fundamentally we all want the same thing in life: to love and be loved. So when I meet new people or am in new situations, my expectation is that people will mostly be pleasant and the encounter will be a positive one. This doesn’t always happen, but more often than not, it does.
I know many people who have the opposite view on life; they think that people are basically untrustworthy, that others are out to get them; and their own goal is to win at all costs. Their experience of life is often aggressive, stressful and the people they attract into their lives often have the same outlook on life. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy - for what we focus on, is what we attract...
What about the situation of never being lucky in love? For someone who has a very low self-esteem, they don’t believe they are worthy and so keep picking partners who treat them as they see themselves – unworthy. People who seek to exploit other people for their own personal gain, are often attracted to those they consider weaker than themselves. Their desire is not for the relationship to be a true loving partnership, as often they prefer to be in control of both the relationship and the other person.
Many of us were taught that the bully in the school yard was often a coward at heart. Their aggression was often about showing off, or trying to make themselves bigger and more important than they really were. These people aren’t confined to the school-yard; we meet them all throughout our lives – on the sports field, in churches and in the boardroom…
So if you want to change the patterns in your life, the first place to start is with yourself.
If you want some help to change the patterns in your life, then give me a call!